i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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