so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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