So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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