she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
