dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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