Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Randomize
