its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
