Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
