SEEEEXXX PLEASE
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
