Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
