highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize