I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
