Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
