did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
We have started to decorate penises.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
