You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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