Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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