he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
