im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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