my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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