i already hear my dad disowning me
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
