im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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