Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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