he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
