Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
