Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Randomize
