Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
