nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
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