i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
