I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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