Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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