ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
