I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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