my mouth tastes like poor choices
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize