Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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