I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
