textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
