He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
