I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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