I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If I had your ass I would rule the world
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
Randomize
