suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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