Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
