dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
