apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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