why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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