On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
from now on my penis is your penis
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
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