my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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