She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
