Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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