I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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