my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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