I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize