She tied me up with her honor cords...
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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