I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
