so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
