take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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