I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
