It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
