it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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