i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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